Who knew how much pain, fear, uncertainty one little word could instill. It’s incredible. I know that I am not the only person who has walked through a valley so deep, so dark that you can’t see five feet in front of you. I know I am not the only one who has had to rely so heavily on God that you start to wonder if He’s really there. Cause I mean lets face it… if He was really there why would He be allowing all of the pain and grief? Why would he allow all this yuck? But then you think about Job and all the stuff he lost… and realize that God does what he does to refine you into who HE wants you to be.
Today was a particularly rough day at work. I work in a school and all of the kids were literally… insane. I had to break up a massive fight that was starting between a bunch of fourth graders. FOURTH GRADERS people. The words that these kids were spewing at this poor girl broke my heart. All I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and hold her close and say “I’ve got you sweet one. Don’t listen to what they are saying. I will protect you.” It made me think of my life, my situation. She was let down by these girls who were supposed to be her friends…just like I have been let down by people close to me (an I’m sure the same could be said about me) But these kids instead of saying words that would build her up, they torn her down completely.
Words are so powerful. I have learned that over the years. I let my mouth get the best of me. I’ve let words flow so carelessly off my tongue…words that are meant to sting because of the pain and lack of self worth I feel on the inside. If I can just make these people see through my words to how much I’m actually hurting on the inside… MAYBE…they will start listening to what I have to say. But instead I am held at a distance… told what I say is not valid… and crushed just a little bit more. My heart went out to that sweet fourth grader today. The pain I face daily is so raw and to see someone standing up for herself the only way she knew how by fighting back… I had to step in. (Plus I was the teacher in charge, so it was kind of my job… but still.)
And then I think… How many times have I held God at a distance? How many times have I read his Word and said, no that doesn’t apply to me, that’t not valid? How many times have I crushed God’s heart because I have been way too stubborn to just humble myself before him and tell him I’m a sinner and I need him… Probably more than I would ever care to count. But God…
2018 holds so much potential for me. It’s a new beginning. I think my word for this year is brave… or maybe it’s new. Brave new beginning… Anyway the point is I am learning who I am again. I lost who I was for a really long time. I tried to conform to who I thought people wanted me to be and not who God created me to be. I hated who I had turned into. I was a shell of my former self. Will I ever be perfect… oh hell no. I will be a work in progress until the end of time! But I can say that each day I get a little bit stronger, a little bit braver, a little bit better. I will still have so many moment of sheer panic over the unknown, but I am getting better at giving that kind of stuff back to God and putting one foot in front of the other. Take a deep breath and trust that He’s in control. So why do I always try to take back that control, take back what God never intended for me to carry? Probably because I am a stubborn woman who wants to prove that I can everything on my own… That’s a sin issue people… not something to be proud of (even though my human-nature pats myself on the back).