These past few weeks have been super challenging for me personally. I’ve been feeling like I’m just bogged down with my past, and feeling like I can’t forgive myself for what happened. It’s been slowly eating me alive and I just can’t do it anymore. I turned my back on everything and everyone who were/are the most important to me because I felt unworthy. I’ve believed the lies for so long that I allowed them to define me.
This past week I have been in the Word more, and have been trying to redefine myself. I’ve been trying to instill God’s voice into my kids instead of them repeating what I do. I really, truly want to write God’s word on my heart. I want to be able to have verses pop into my head when I am struggling with self-doubt instead of the lies that I so easily believe. Faith is one of my top strengths or spiritual gifts and I have been hit hard here. My faith has been wavering and I don’t like it one bit. One of my best friends told me this, “In James when he says that our faith is being ‘tested’, well that’s the same word used when talking about a blacksmith who is refining silver. And the blacksmith continues to throw the metal back into the fire to get rid of the impurities. He knows it’s complete when he can see his reflection in it. Remember that God loves you more than anyone else ever possibly could. Don’t allow yourself to believe the lies of the enemy. Allow God to use you and your circumstances for His glory.” I know that I wrote a blog post a while back talking about refining. I had forgotten what it meant to be refined by God. He’s not just going to let me sit back and and wallow. I may think he is, but that’s when he keeps me in the fire until I can’t stand it anymore and want to do it His way instead of my own way. I think that’s where I have been lately. Stuck in the fire because I am just too stubborn to see it any other way out.
So, as I dive into the Word I am going to pick out verses that help me remember who I am in Christ. And then I’m going to explain why it’s important to me and why I think it’s important that it’s in the Bible. I am by NO means a scholar or pretend to know what the heck I am talking about. I just write from my heart… You may disagree with me and whatever, that’s fine. But this is my first step to being who I once was.
My first verse is in the second book of the Bible, Exodus. A little context for this verse, Pharaoh was in control of Egypt and he was so full of himself that he thought he was bigger than God. Moses was called by God to let His people go, and Pharaoh refused… like upright refused to let them go! (I don’t ever do that – refuse something because I want it my way…) Finally, the Israelites are able to leave Egypt after God showed his power with the 10 plagues. Even after the 10th and final plague, still mourning the loss of his son, Pharaoh realizes that he has just let all of his workers go and wanted to chase them down. As the Israelites flee, they realize that Pharaoh is chasing after them and they start to panic. They look at Moses and blame him for bringing them into the wilderness, and start thinking that maybe it was a mistake that they left Egypt… totally forgetting the hardships they faced there. They are just in panic mode. But Moses, with God on his side, stays so calm. In Exodus 14:14 it says, “The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” (NLT version) The ESV version says it like this, “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Silent. That is something that I have a really hard time doing. I have forgotten how to be silent, to be calm. When things start getting crazy, my mind starts spinning and then nothing is calm… nothing is silent. So, how am I supposed to hear God, feel God when I am making such a ruckus? The Israelites were causing a ruckus too… a really big scene. I can just picture it… Moses standing there thinking what on Earth is happening while the Israelites are running around trying to pack their stuff, yelling at Moses and telling him it’s all his fault, and yelling at one another because they are scared. When all they have to do is just be silent. Easier said than done, and I’m sure that’s what my hubby does when I go off-line.
This has been the scene of my life for the past… I don’t know how long. I have forgotten how to be silent. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. No wonder people look at me like I’m crazy! Ha! Because I lost my focus. I lost what truly matters. I took my eyes off of the only thing that makes sense… God. I believe this verse is in the Bible to show us that even the “chosen” people got scared. It’s there to remind us, that God’s got this. We just need to let him take the reigns, and fight for us. I need to practice silence more often.